dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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