omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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