Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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