Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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