My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Randomize
