She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Randomize
