I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize
