return my video game
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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