WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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