you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
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