Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
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