remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize
