What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
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