strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Randomize
