My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Randomize
