So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
