I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
whose ass print is on the piano?
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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