You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Randomize
