Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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