I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
My ATM looks so different sober.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
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