I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
