WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
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