my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize
