i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
