I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
