I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Randomize
