Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
