I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
