I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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