I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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