just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
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