its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
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