I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
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