i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
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The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
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The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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