Apparently you make a good broom.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
