Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
