I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
I deserve this hangover.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
