Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
