My first STD was from a foam party
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize
