new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
