I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Randomize
