I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Randomize
