So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
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All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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