that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Randomize
