if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Randomize
