Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Randomize
