You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
