Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
you had me at cake vodka
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
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