i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
