I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
