remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
