so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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