I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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