I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
