how can u be prego again
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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