You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
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