I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
She needs sedatives and a leash
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Randomize
