i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
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