We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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