she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
