I feel like abortions should bother me more
I should be sponsored by Trojan
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
Randomize
