there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
