Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
