So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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