Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
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When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
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What changed your mind?
Being sober
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
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