my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
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