I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
