I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Is it wrong to beat off to a girl to determine if you like her or not?
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
