Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
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